Nearly a year ago, in early spring, I wanted to learn absolutely everything about New Testament Corinth. I wanted some ammo. Some rebuttal for an aggressive few Scripture references that would surely be coming my way.
I checked out several books and prepared to live with my nose in them for as long as it took. But, instead of doing this, I gave up studying the Bible for several months.
I had noticed a fiery rage that surfaced whenever I thought about the expertise I would acquire, about how right I would be and how wrong others would be. My heart was beginning to callous. I was in danger of becoming very closed-minded, very incapable of entering the overarching conversation in a way that honors a Savior who simply asks that I love God and love others.
Disgusted with myself, I returned the books. I was so ashamed of my behaviour. I couldn't believe what I had nearly become, and in the name of Jesus!
I didn't stop reading, though. I checked out a book called Love Is an Orientation by Andrew Marin. His organization, The Marin Foundation, based in Boystown, Chicago, works to build bridges between the religious and LGBT communities. Marin advocates for "elevating the conversation" above theological debates and towards finding good ways to love people.
Loving people. Time and time again, no matter the topic, this is what my understanding of God's will for me boils down to.
I am so weak in my attempts, though. When Christians do not practice love, I loathe them, and their poor reflection of Christ. What hypocrisy I show -- in this attitude, I become the very thing I hate. Oh, that my actions would match my words! Lord, have mercy on me in all of my failed attempts at love without condition.
Over a year has passed. So much has happened.
I have experienced some of the greatest joys and greatest sorrows I have ever faced. The discovery of a love I never thought possible for myself. The corresponding dissolution of my dearest friendship.
For as long as I can remember, I have believed that a Christian's response to the LGBT community should be love. Just love. Not loving condemnation. Not "love the sinner, hate the sin." By the way, why do people think "love the sinner, hate the sin" is a Biblical principle? Coming to terms with my own homosexuality has only reinforced my intuitions on this matter. (That was my subtle way of coming out to you, blogosphere.)
And still, I have questions. I want to do what is good. I want to live my life in a way that honors God. I want to continue to discover who I am as a beloved child of God, as someone who lives in the freedom offered by Jesus. I want these discoveries to be guided by the Holy Spirit who counsels and accompanies me. I want the wisdom of Scripture to inform the things that my intellectual side claims to be true.
I want to discuss all of these things with others who sincerely seek truth. I am not scared of difficult questions. I want to be diligent in putting prayer and study and feeling into finding answers. Or maybe just pieces of answers. Slowly connecting dots.
None of us know everything. None of us have all the answers. Sometimes this excites me, sometimes this leaves me feeling defeated.
