I am going back to my roots.

I should let you know that my abandonment of Scripture did not last forever. With a new awareness of the perils of allowing the pursuit of truth to be guided by pride, I have humbly returned to the Book that has challenged and inspired me since I received my first copy nearly sixteen years ago.

I remember my first significant encounter with the Bible. An extended family member had paid for my sister and me to spend a week at camp, and my mom bought us Bibles because it was on a packing list that came in the mail. It was a Precious Moments Bible. New King James Version. I took the baby blue one because I didn't like pink. My sister got the pink one. I was nearly ten years old.

After a week at camp, I was rather curious about my new Book. I had observed some striking qualities in the Christian leaders at camp, like they had extra love or joy or peace or... something. Since my new Book seemed quite important to them, I decided to read it. It was July. I started in the New Testament. Someone at camp must have had the good sense to suggest this.

I have to admit, I was rather disenchanted as I began reading the gospel according to Matthew. A genealogy of Jesus spanning 42 generations was a rather hardy read for my nine-year-old self. So much begetting. I found the subsequent story of Jesus to be very compelling, though, and continued reading. I finished reading the New Testament before school started again and have been enamored with the Book ever since.

This Book played an integral role in the development of my faith identity-- in my becoming a Christian and in my constantly growing understanding of what that means. I am very glad to have my nose back in it. It feels good; it feels like home. I am discovering so many new things. I hope to share some of these things with you soon.

I once abandoned Scripture.

Nearly a year ago, in early spring, I wanted to learn absolutely everything about New Testament Corinth. I wanted some ammo. Some rebuttal for an aggressive few Scripture references that would surely be coming my way.


I checked out several books and prepared to live with my nose in them for as long as it took. But, instead of doing this, I gave up studying the Bible for several months.


I had noticed a fiery rage that surfaced whenever I thought about the expertise I would acquire, about how right I would be and how wrong others would be. My heart was beginning to callous. I was in danger of becoming very closed-minded, very incapable of entering the overarching conversation in a way that honors a Savior who simply asks that I love God and love others.

Disgusted with myself, I returned the books. I was so ashamed of my behaviour. I couldn't believe what I had nearly become, and in the name of Jesus!


I didn't stop reading, though. I checked out a book called Love Is an Orientation by Andrew Marin. His organization, The Marin Foundation, based in Boystown, Chicago, works to build bridges between the religious and LGBT communities. Marin advocates for "elevating the conversation" above theological debates and towards finding good ways to love people.


Loving people. Time and time again, no matter the topic, this is what my understanding of God's will for me boils down to.


I am so weak in my attempts, though. When Christians do not practice love, I loathe them, and their poor reflection of Christ. What hypocrisy I show -- in this attitude, I become the very thing I hate. Oh, that my actions would match my words! Lord, have mercy on me in all of my failed attempts at love without condition.

Sorry, I was busy demolishing my closet.

Over a year has passed. So much has happened. 

I have experienced some of the greatest joys and greatest sorrows I have ever faced. The discovery of a love I never thought possible for myself. The corresponding dissolution of my dearest friendship.

For as long as I can remember, I have believed that a Christian's response to the LGBT community should be love. Just love. Not loving condemnation. Not "love the sinner, hate the sin." By the way, why do people think "love the sinner, hate the sin" is a Biblical principle? Coming to terms with my own homosexuality has only reinforced my intuitions on this matter. (That was my subtle way of coming out to you, blogosphere.)

And still, I have questions. I want to do what is good. I want to live my life in a way that honors God. I want to continue to discover who I am as a beloved child of God, as someone who lives in the freedom offered by Jesus. I want these discoveries to be guided by the Holy Spirit who counsels and accompanies me. I want the wisdom of Scripture to inform the things that my intellectual side claims to be true.

I want to discuss all of these things with others who sincerely seek truth. I am not scared of difficult questions. I want to be diligent in putting prayer and study and feeling into finding answers. Or maybe just pieces of answers. Slowly connecting dots.

None of us know everything. None of us have all the answers. Sometimes this excites me, sometimes this leaves me feeling defeated.

"...without turning as they went."

There are many distractions. Many things threatening to pull my attention away from God. Society is kind of evil. It keeps trying to convince me that I need to embrace things that are meaningless, and it even succeeds sometimes. It tells me that I need to keep busy. Fill my schedule. Make money so I can buy more stuff. Shop at the right stores, possess the latest technology, work my way up in the world.

So many distractions. These things are not the stuff of life. They are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. And I fall prey to them all the time, often forgetting that I already have all that I need.

Consumerism. http://www.lucmelanson.com/

I am not very good at making New Year's resolutions. I am, however, very good at setting goals that are vague and unmeasurable, allowing myself to think that I am bettering myself without having to face any real possibility of failure.


Last January, for example, I decided to use less disposable products. Did I succeed? Impossible to say. I know neither how many disposable products I used in 2009 nor how many more or fewer I used in 2010. But I was aware of my consumption. I felt guilty when I forgot my travel mug or a fork for my lunch or my grocery bags. I think a lifestyle change may have ensued, regardless of whether or not I achieved anything tangible.

So, true to form, this year my goal is to be more aware of God's presence. To be less distracted. Vague, right? Well, that is just how I roll.

This year, on New Year's Day, I happened to begin reading Ezekiel, an Old Testament book that I do not think I have ever read in its entirety. Wow, did this prophet ever see some fantastic visions! In the first chapter, he described four cherubim. Brilliant creatures. Freaking brilliant. Zeke went on to describe how these creatures moved about:

"Each one went straight ahead. Wherever the spirit would go, they would go, without turning as they went." (1:12)

What an image. What a fantastic depiction of spiritual focus. That is what is going to be on my mind as I seek to let the spirit of God direct my actions and my words and my thoughts. Sure, I will fail plenty of times and feel guilty about it, but maybe something will change in me. Maybe I can do better than I have before.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

My roommate Sam has a sister who lives on an acreage just outside of the city, so we drove out there with a couple of friends the other night to watch the eclipse. We arrived early, so we walked through the sheep pen - I wanted to see how much their lamb had grown since I last saw him.


Hanging out with sheep under the starry night sky brought to life a familiar piece of the Christmas story. As I stood outside looking up at the stars, I tried to imagine what it might have been like for the shepherds when the angel of the Lord appeared. I imagined terror giving way to feelings of joy as the angel shared its message.


God's promise to send the Messiah had been fulfilled. He who would save his people from their sins had come to earth. Imagine being among the first to hear this good news. Imagine a quiet night amidst fields of sheep interrupted by a joyful greeting from an angel of the Lord. Imagine a great company of the heavenly host descending to praise God. The joy of that moment must have been pervasive. Inescapable. Magnificent.


If you can, find a quiet evening moment to spend outside. Let the joy of Immanuel, God with us, invade your experience of Christmas this year.

The Master Status

The status set.

In the field of sociology, one way of defining people is by the different statuses they hold. A status is simply a social position that a person holds. I, for example, am a student, a daughter, a Christian, a sister, a youth director, a roommate, a woman, and so on. All of these things fall into my status set.

From a person's status set, one status is considered to be that person's master status. The master status is an individual's primary characteristic. It is the most important part of a person's identity. Because of its primacy, the master status affects all areas of a person's life.

It's like this.

I think the relationship between my master status and my other statuses looks like a cross section of okra. 

If you are not familiar with okra, it is an edible plant and you probably would not like it. Unless you know somebody who makes a mean gumbo. Or unless you like eating loogies. Okra is a slimy food that grows as a long green capsule containing many white seeds.

We have statuses. A lot of statuses. They are the white seeds contained in each capsule of okra. But there is one status that is not like the other statuses. The master status is the green capsule. All the other statuses fall within its boundaries. The other statuses are structured around the master status.

What's mine?

I bear the name of Jesus Christ. I call myself a Christian. A follower of Jesus. If I let anything else claim the title of master status, if I do not let my identity in Christ the most important thing about me, then I am doing something wrong. All of my statuses need to exist in light of the worthy Savior whose name I claim.

When I look at my status set, I am convicted. I know what my master status ought to be and I know that sometimes I let other things overshadow it. When I let something other than God define who I am, I am stuck in idolatry. God is jealous for us. He is not satisfied when we only allow him to occupy specific segments of our lives. God's love is so amazing, so divine. It demands our souls, our lives, our all.


May God be the green capsule of our okra-like lives.

Connecting Dots

Ursa Major

Asterism.

The Big Dipper is probably the most recognizable chunk of the night sky. Discounting the moon, of course. The moon is neat, but a stargazer does not always appreciate the light our planet's natural satellite reflects.

Interestingly, the famous array of stars known as The Big Dipper is not a constellation. It is an asterism, which means that it is a part of a constellation. Specifically, it is a part of the Ursa Major constellation. The Great Bear. Personally, I think they should have named this constellation after an animal with a longer tail.

Bigness.

Looking at the stars is something I have found joy in for many years. It is an incomparable way of experiencing God's bigness. It is approximated that over 2,000 stars are visible to the naked eye in good conditions. There are hundreds of billions of stars we cannot see. That is big.

Over the past few months, I have let stargazing become something of a hobby (not that I needed anymore of those...). Instead of looking up at night and saying, "Ooh, pretty," I have adopted a more educational habit of glancing up and down between the sky and my book about stars.

The more I look at the night sky, the more I recognize it. And whenever I see a constellation that I recognize or remember the name of a specific star, I feel closer to the Creator God who put them there. I would love to sit and listen to God tell the story of how He placed the stars in the sky. I wonder if He has a constellation out there that looks more like a bear than Ursa Major. I wonder if He refers to Ursa Major as something more reasonable, like the Great Hyena.

Cue metaphor.

Whenever I start to learn something new, especially within a broad field like astronomy, I am reminded of how little I actually know, of how much there is to learn and, all the while, of the reality that I will in my lifetime barely scratch the surface of all there is to know. 

I have been actively getting to know God for over a decade now, yet my relationship with Him is a mere asterism in a constellation that is planted in a massive sky of stars. But, in getting to know Him, I start to recognize Him more and more in the details that make up life and also in the broader story I find myself in. I am slowly connecting dots and forming constellations out of the infinite abundance of good things that God is.

Vincent van Gogh's Starry Night Over the Rhone